How to Survive a Sexless Marriage: 8 Practical Things You Can Do Now
If you’re here, you’re likely in a difficult position. Your marriage has become sexless — or close to it. Your partner either isn’t open to talking about it, or has made it clear that traditional routes aren’t currently available.
That’s a particular kind of loneliness. You’re in a relationship, you haven’t done anything wrong, and yet something that matters deeply to you is simply off the table.
This guide doesn’t tell you to just wait it out or keep trying the same things. Instead, here are eight practical things you can do — starting today — to maintain your sexual health, stay connected to yourself, and protect your wellbeing while the bigger situation unfolds.
And if you’d rather hear me walk through it, hit play below.
What counts as a sexless marriage?
A sexless marriage is generally defined as one where sex occurs ten times or fewer per year. It’s more common than most people realise — research suggests 15–20% of couples go through extended periods with no sexual activity at all.
Marriages become sexless for a wide range of reasons: low libido, relationship friction, emotional disconnection, unresolved trauma, sexual dysfunction, hormonal imbalances, mental health, stress, childcare demands, and more. In most cases, it’s not about one person failing. It’s about compounding pressures that gradually push intimacy out of the picture.
Knowing this doesn’t fix the situation — but it’s worth being clear that this isn’t simply your fault.
8 ways to survive a sexless marriage
1. Deepen your solo intimacy
You likely already have a default approach to masturbation. This tip is about going beyond the default — deliberately exploring your own body rather than treating solo time as a quick transaction to get through.
This matters for several reasons. Men in sexless marriages often develop a complicated relationship with their own sexuality — guilt, rushing, shame, disconnection. Deliberately slowing down and exploring changes that dynamic. You start to understand your body better, which builds the kind of body awareness and confidence that affects everything else.
Practically: experiment with different strokes, speeds, and pressure. Try different positions. Explore erotic literature. Introduce toys — a prostate massager opens up P-spot stimulation that most men have never experienced. Try mindful masturbation — fully present, slow breathing, no rushing.
Create the conditions for it: privacy, comfort, music if it helps. This is your sexuality and your body. You’re entitled to explore it without shame.
If erectile dysfunction is part of your experience, this kind of solo exploration is particularly valuable. Pleasure isn’t contingent on erection. Understanding that — in your body, not just intellectually — changes your relationship with performance anxiety significantly.
Want a structured 30-day programme for developing your solo practice rather than figuring it out alone?
Riding Solo was built specifically for this — body awareness, arousal control, mindful masturbation, breath work, and building the relaxed confidence that changes how you experience your own sexuality. A structured daily practice that takes the guesswork out of where to start.
2. Maintain physical closeness without pressure
One of the things you’re missing isn’t just sex — it’s physical connection. Skin contact, closeness, the sense of being near someone who matters to you. When sex disappears, non-sexual touch often disappears with it, because both partners become wary of any contact being misread as pressure.
This is called touch hunger, and it’s a real physiological response. Addressing it matters independently of whether sex returns.
The goal is non-sexual physical contact that carries no implicit expectation. Holding hands, a proper hug when you greet each other, a hand on her leg during a film, a back rub with no agenda. Building emotional intimacy through meaningful conversation, shared activities, and time together also matters here — it keeps the relationship bond strong regardless of what’s happening sexually.
This won’t replace sexual intimacy. But it maintains the closeness that makes a return to sexual intimacy more likely — and keeps the relationship from deteriorating into cohabitation.
3. Use fantasy and audio erotica
Your brain is your most powerful sexual organ. Fantasy is a legitimate tool for maintaining sexual health when physical intimacy isn’t available — and it’s one most men underuse or feel unnecessarily guilty about.
Allow yourself to explore what genuinely turns you on. Follow the curiosity without pre-judging where it goes. If you need a prompt to get there, audio erotica and JOI scripts are effective starting points. They engage your imagination rather than just visual stimulus, which produces a more embodied experience.
Your fantasies are almost certainly healthy and normal, even if they feel unusual or surprising. Having a fantasy doesn’t mean you want to enact it. If something you’re fantasising about causes genuine concern, a sex therapist can help you contextualise it — but in most cases, what you find is that curiosity is just curiosity.
4. Invest in sexual wellness tools
If solo play is the primary sexual outlet available to you right now, it’s worth investing in making it genuinely good rather than purely functional.
The range of tools available for men’s solo pleasure has expanded significantly. Textured strokers, automatic masturbators with app control, prostate massagers that produce full-body orgasms unlike anything achievable through conventional masturbation. Sensory exploration using different textures and temperatures adds variety that changes what solo time actually feels like.
The full tools page covers what’s worth considering. The point isn’t novelty for its own sake — it’s that solo pleasure deserves the same intentionality and investment as partnered sex. It’s not a consolation prize. It’s your sexual health.
5. Find community and support
A sexless marriage can be profoundly isolating. From the outside, your life may look completely normal. Inside, you’re carrying something that’s hard to talk about with anyone — which means you’re often carrying it entirely alone.
Online communities help with this. Subreddits like r/deadbedrooms exist specifically for people navigating this situation — reading others’ experiences can validate what you’re going through even if you never post yourself. The collective recognition that you’re not alone and not unusual matters more than it sounds.
A word of caution: some of these spaces can be quite negative or fatalistic. Be deliberate about what you’re seeking — validation and perspective, not just commiseration. If the energy of a community is making you feel worse rather than clearer, step back.
Professional support is also worth naming here. Marriage counselling or sex therapy isn’t an admission of failure — it’s the most direct route to understanding what’s actually driving the situation and what, if anything, can change it.
6. Consider ethical non-monogamy
This isn’t the right option for everyone — and it requires both partners to be genuinely willing, not one person reluctantly agreeing. But if your values align and the marriage is otherwise strong, ethical non-monogamy is a legitimate framework for addressing sexual needs that aren’t being met within the relationship.
This could look like a hall pass arrangement, specific agreed boundaries around outside intimacy, or a more structured open relationship. There’s no single form it has to take. What matters is that it’s discussed slowly, researched thoroughly, and entered into with full mutual consent rather than as a workaround or ultimatum.
A sex therapist who specialises in non-monogamy can help you navigate both the conversation and the structure if this is something you want to explore seriously.
If there’s a chance the intimacy in your marriage can be rebuilt, FLAMES gives you a structured path to do that.
FLAMES is a step-by-step intimacy rebuilding course designed for couples navigating the desire gap — covering the emotional, physical, and relational dynamics that determine whether desire comes back. $37 one-off investment. Worth trying before more drastic decisions.
7. Redirect sexual energy into something physical
Sexual energy that has nowhere to go accumulates as frustration, restlessness, and resentment. Redirecting it deliberately — rather than letting it build — makes a real difference to your daily baseline.
Physical exercise is the most direct outlet — running, boxing, lifting, anything that engages your body intensely and burns through the accumulated tension. Creative outlets work differently but serve a similar function: painting, writing, music, woodworking — any pursuit that requires focus and produces something. Sensory practices like yoga or dance reconnect you with your body in a way that’s distinct from standard exercise.
The goal isn’t to suppress your sexual needs — it’s to give that energy somewhere useful to go so it doesn’t calcify into bitterness. For more on building a positive relationship with your body and sexuality, the guide on sexual confidence for men is worth reading.
8. Be compassionate with yourself
What you’re going through is genuinely hard. Being in a relationship where a fundamental need isn’t being met — and where the path forward is unclear — produces real emotional weight: frustration, resentment, loneliness, self-doubt. Those feelings are valid. They don’t need to be suppressed or fixed immediately.
What matters is how you manage them. Mindfulness, regular physical practice, therapy, honest journalling — whatever helps you process rather than accumulate. Being hard on yourself for being in this situation adds suffering on top of suffering. The situation is difficult enough on its own.
The passion that existed at the beginning of your relationship can reignite. It doesn’t always — but it does often enough that giving up prematurely closes off possibilities that might otherwise have opened. Stay in motion. Work on yourself. Keep the door open.
Where to start
If traditional intimacy with your partner isn’t currently available, start with yourself. That’s not a consolation — it’s the most direct investment you can make in your own sexual health and confidence, which matters regardless of how the relationship develops.
The Library is the private space to do that work — guided audio sessions for men covering body awareness, arousal, relaxation, and confidence. $12/month, first month just $5.
And if rebuilding intimacy with your partner is still possible, FLAMES is the structured path to do it — $37, one-off.
Frequently asked questions
What counts as a sexless marriage?
A sexless marriage is generally defined as one where sex occurs ten times or fewer per year. Around 15–20% of couples experience extended periods with no sexual activity, so while it’s painful, it’s far from unusual. It can result from a wide range of factors on either partner’s side, and rarely has a single simple cause.
Is it normal to feel resentful in a sexless marriage?
Yes. Resentment, frustration, loneliness, and self-doubt are all common responses to having a significant need go unmet over an extended period. These feelings are valid and don’t mean something is wrong with you. What matters is finding healthy ways to process them rather than letting them accumulate or direct behaviour in ways that damage the relationship further.
Can a sexless marriage be saved?
Often yes — but it typically requires both partners to be willing to address what’s driving the situation. The causes of a sexless marriage are usually addressable: medical issues can be treated, emotional disconnection can be rebuilt, communication patterns can change. Professional support through sex therapy or couples counselling significantly improves the odds. FLAMES is a structured starting point if your partner is open to working on it together.
Is masturbation okay in a sexless marriage?
Completely. Your sexual health matters regardless of what’s happening in your relationship. Masturbation is a legitimate way to maintain that health and stay connected to your sexuality. If you can communicate openly with your partner about it to avoid misunderstanding, do so — but your sexual needs don’t disappear because partnered sex is unavailable, and there’s nothing wrong with addressing them.
Should I tell my partner I’m using sex toys or audio erotica?
There’s no universal answer — it depends entirely on your relationship dynamic and your partner’s likely response. In general, transparency reduces the risk of discovery causing hurt or suspicion. If communication in your relationship is reasonably open, a matter-of-fact conversation about how you’re managing your sexual health is usually better than secrecy. Your sexual needs don’t disappear because partnered sex is unavailable — and there’s nothing wrong with addressing them.