Do Men Use Sex Toys? Here’s What Real Men Told Me When I Asked

Last month I sent out a newsletter with one question in it.

“Have you ever used a sex toy on yourself?”

That was the whole email, more or less. I wasn’t sure how many men would reply. This one detonated.

Men of all ages, all relationship statuses, all health situations – wrote back with honesty, humour, and genuinely incredible detail. I read every single one. And I want to share what I learned, because it was more than just a product survey. It was a glimpse into how men actually think and feel about this whole part of themselves.

But first, the short answer to the question in the title. Do men use sex toys? Yes. More than you might think, more than they admit, and with considerably more enthusiasm than the silence around it suggests.

The numbers… what the research actually shows

Before we get to the stories, it’s worth grounding this in data. Because one of the things that keeps men stuck is the belief that they’re the only one, or at least one of very few, who has ever been curious about this.

Research tells a different story. A study published in the National Library of Medicine found that more than 43% of heterosexual men in the US have used a vibrator, either alone or with a partner. The global sex toy market was valued at over $35 billion in 2023 and is growing at nearly 9% per year. Searches for masturbators have risen uninterruptedly since 2009. And in Germany, one of the more thoroughly studied populations on this, 37% of men reported using a sex toy during masturbation.

None of that is niche. None of that is the behaviour of a fringe group. Men use sex toys, quietly and in significant numbers, and the gap between reality and what gets talked about out loud is enormous.

What my inbox confirmed is that the research understates it, because the research only captures men willing to answer a survey. The ones who write to a sex educator are more honest still.

If you’re looking for specific product recommendations rather than reader stories, the 5 sex toy categories worth knowing about is the post for that. This one is about what men told me, and what I think it all means.

You are not weird. Not even slightly.

Before anything else, this needs saying.

Whatever you’re into, whatever you’ve tried, whatever you’re curious about, someone else reading this has either done it, loved it, or built a more elaborate version of it in their living room. The range of what men wrote in about spans the entirely vanilla to the genuinely creative, and every single one of them is a normal person navigating a normal part of being human.

The biggest barrier isn’t the toy. It’s other men

One thing came up again and again from men who’d been curious for years but never pulled the trigger.

They weren’t afraid of the toy. They were afraid of being the guy in the group chat who owns one.

Several men wrote to me about a specific kind of moment, a locker room, a pub, a stag weekend, where another man they knew was mocked in his absence for owning a sex toy. “Pathetic.” “Desperate.” “Can’t get a real woman.” The men who told me these stories had stayed silent because they also owned toys, and speaking up would have outed them. They saw the shame being weaponised and correctly clocked that there was no winning that conversation.

This, more than anything else, is what keeps men stuck.

The men who laugh loudest are usually the ones most anxious about their own pleasure. The men who mock are usually compensating for something they haven’t admitted to themselves. But none of that knowledge helps when you’re standing there with a beer in your hand and a toy in your drawer at home.

I’m not here to tell you to become the spokesperson for male pleasure in your friend group. That’s a big ask, and often a losing battle. But the part of you that knows they’re wrong is right. You’re allowed to enjoy whatever you enjoy, quietly (or loudly) and completely, regardless of what a car park full of men might say about it.

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Prostate massagers are the undisputed fan favourite

It seems like once men discover them, they don’t look back.

I heard from one reader who has been doing prostate massage for six years. He owns multiple toys, has a regular practice, and during a session will experience four to six orgasms spread across more than an hour. He has recently added nipple play and urethral sounding to the mix, and describes the combination as “an out of body experience.”

You don’t have to start there. But it’s good to know where the ceiling is.

For most men, the appeal isn’t the extreme end. It’s the simple fact that prostate stimulation unlocks a completely different kind of orgasm, slower, fuller, and often repeatable because prostate orgasms are frequently non-ejaculatory and don’t trigger the same refractory period. The full P-spot guide covers exactly what’s happening and how to get there, and if you want a toy built specifically for it, the Lovense Edge 2 is the one I recommend most consistently, app-controlled, adjustable, and designed for hands-free use.

Cock rings divide opinion… and it’s almost always about fit

Plenty of men wrote in about cock rings. Most loved them. One told me they were actively unpleasant.

Almost every negative experience traced back to one of two things: the wrong material, or the wrong size. A soft, stretchy silicone ring worn at the base while you’re still soft feels completely different from a rigid metal one put on in a hurry. If your first experience was the second one, please don’t write the whole category off.

The upside, when you get it right? Several readers described the orgasms they had while wearing one as the best of their lives. Increased sensitivity, better firmness, and the added stimulation of vibration if you choose a vibrating ring, it’s a meaningful upgrade that costs very little.

Don’t ignore your balls

Your testicles are one of the most overlooked erogenous zones on the male body. A lot of men have simply never paid them real attention, they’re not part of how most men masturbate, and they tend to be ignored during partnered sex too.

One reader wrote about discovering, quite by accident, how sensitive and pleasurable ball stimulation could be. He’d been using a removable shower head from below while stroking. “I’ve never had my legs give out before.” He now uses a vibrating cock ring sideways on his balls during solo sessions too.

Consider this your permission slip. The nerve supply to the scrotum and testes is completely separate from the nerves that control erection, which means this area is responsive regardless of what else is happening, and it’s worth exploring deliberately rather than stumbling across it by accident.

Some of you have built your own toys

The creativity genuinely delights me.

A soft sock tucked between sofa cushions for hands-free thrusting. A cold zucchini from the fridge with a condom on it. The aforementioned shower head. A surprisingly well-engineered arrangement involving a pillow, a rubber glove, and a cable tie that I’m still thinking about.

I love all of it.

One public service announcement for the vegetable fans: if you’re going to explore internally with anything, please make sure it has a flared base. The emergency room visit is genuinely not worth it, and there are excellent, inexpensive flared-base toys, including beginner butt plugs like the Smile Makers The Neighbour, that feel just as adventurous without the risk.

Sleeves and masturbators = the quiet majority

If prostate massagers were the enthusiasts, masturbators and stroker sleeves were the quiet majority, men who’d been using them for years, often discreetly, and who described the upgrade from hand to sleeve as genuinely significant.

The common thread in their messages: once you try a quality sleeve, going back to hand-only feels like watching a film on your phone after you’ve had a cinema screen. The texture, the warmth with lube, the hands-free option, all of it changes the experience in ways that are hard to describe until you’ve felt them.

Several men specifically mentioned the Lovense Solace Pro for the automatic, hands-free element, particularly useful for men who want to stay completely present rather than managing technique. There’s a full Lovense Solace Pro review if you want the detail.

The four-toy setup

One reader, and let me be clear this is advanced-level, wrote in about his solo practice. He once combined a fleshlight between the sofa cushions, a vibrator on his nipples, a butt plug, and a wand massager pressed against the base of the butt plug. Hands-free. Everything running at once.

“That was by far my biggest solo orgasm ever. I came so hard I almost passed out.”

I’ll just leave that there.

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Ready to actually upgrade your solo sessions?
The 5 sex toy categories worth knowing about covers everything from prostate massagers to sleeves to glans stimulators, with specific recommendations in each. Start there.

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Some of you aren’t doing this alone

A surprising number of men wrote in about using toys with their partner, not just on their own.

Wives and girlfriends using a wand on their husband’s penis while he lies still. Vibrating cock rings flipped upside down so the vibration hits his balls while she’s on top. Couples slipping a small vibrator between them during penetration so she can get there without changing position. One man described holding himself inside his wife while she used a wand on her clit ,still, quiet, connected, and apparently incredible.

The common thread is that the most sexually confident couples I heard from were the ones who treated toys as something they played with together, not something he used alone and felt weird about.

If you’re in a relationship and you’ve always thought of toys as a solo-only thing, or if your partner has a toy and you’ve quietly felt threatened by it, this is worth sitting with. A vibrator isn’t a replacement for you. It’s an instrument. And you can play it too.

Some of you are in a harder place

I also heard from men whose partnered sex life had disappeared for reasons outside their control. A partner on a new contraceptive with libido as a side effect. Illness. Surgery. Medication changes. Unspoken drift. Men with high libidos suddenly sleeping next to someone who isn’t interested anymore, and not knowing what to do with the gap.

If that’s you, a few things.

You’re not a freak for still wanting it. The drift is almost never personal, even when it lands that way. And having a rich solo practice during a dry stretch is not a betrayal or a failure, it’s how you stay connected to yourself when your sexuality has nowhere else to go. Plenty of couples come out the other side of a long dry patch because one or both partners stayed in touch with themselves in the meantime.

If the desire discrepancy in your relationship feels significant, the post on why your wife doesn’t want sex and the one on surviving a sexless marriage are both worth reading.

Discretion matters, for a lot of you

Not everyone has a private space, a supportive partner, or a setup where a drawer full of toys is realistic. I got plenty of messages from men needing something that wouldn’t raise questions.

The good news is that discreet options have improved enormously. Small textured sleeves that look like innocent household objects. Compact toys with quiet motors that pass for personal massagers. You don’t need a dungeon or a dedicated drawer to have a good solo life. The full toy guide covers the best discreet options.

Some of you have never tried anything

One man wrote to tell me he’s 78 years old, that this email had piqued his curiosity, and that he was seriously considering his first toy purchase.

That genuinely made my day.

You deserve pleasure at 78. At 57. At 40. Post-surgery. Solo. Partnered. In a complicated situation. In a simple one. There’s no cut-off age for curiosity, and no starting point that’s too late.

What I want you to take away

A few things, if you’ve made it this far.

The world of male pleasure is much bigger than most men ever explore, and most of the men who do explore it wish they’d started years earlier. Everything you’re curious about, someone else has already tried and loved. The shame that stops so many men from experimenting is almost always inherited from other men, not earned, not deserved, and not a reflection of anything true about you.

Starting small is fine. You don’t have to go from zero to four-toy setup in a weekend. Although, if you want to, nobody’s stopping you.

Frequently asked questions

Do men actually use sex toys?

Yes, in significant numbers. Research shows that over 43% of heterosexual men in the US have used a vibrator with a partner or alone. Masturbators, prostate massagers, and cock rings are all widely used, even if men rarely discuss it openly. The gap between what men actually do and what they admit to is considerable.

Is it normal for a man to use a sex toy?

Completely. Using a sex toy is no different from any other form of self-care or self-exploration. Research consistently shows that men who use sex toys report better sexual function, not worse, and the stigma around it is cultural, not grounded in anything real. Millions of men use toys regularly and say nothing about it publicly.

What sex toys do men actually enjoy most?

Based on reader responses and the broader research: prostate massagers consistently produce the strongest reactions, many men describe prostate orgasms as a completely different experience from anything they had before. Stroker sleeves and masturbators are the most widely used. Cock rings are popular for partnered sex. Vibration on the glans and perineum is underused and underrated. The full guide to sex toys for men covers all five categories with specific recommendations.

Can couples use sex toys together?

Absolutely, and some of the most enthusiastic responses I received were from men using toys with their partners. Vibrating cock rings, wands used during penetration, app-controlled toys for long-distance or hands-free play, all of these are well suited to partnered use. The couples who reported the most satisfying sex lives were the ones who treated toys as something they explored together rather than something one partner used privately.

What’s a good first sex toy for a man?

It depends on what you’re curious about. For solo pleasure and sensation, a quality stroker sleeve with lube is the easiest starting point, low cost, discreet, immediately noticeable upgrade. For prostate exploration, a small, beginner-friendly toy with a flared base is the right entry point, the Smile Makers The Neighbour is a good option. For partnered play, a vibrating cock ring. Start with one thing, see how you feel, and go from there.

What if my partner finds out I use a sex toy?

Most partners respond better than men expect, particularly when it’s framed as self-care rather than a commentary on the relationship. Using a sex toy isn’t a sign that something is missing; it’s a normal part of adult sexuality. If it does come up, the post on masturbation in marriage has a full section on how to have that conversation in a way that lands well.

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